Stuck?

A blank canvas. A blank sheet of paper. A blank computer screen. An empty text field.

…

The presentation of limitless possibilities can be overwhelming. What do I want to say? Why should anyone care? Will anyone care? Do I care? Will I make a difference? Will I fail?

The blank slate is a challenge of zero – where the negative and positive tug with equal force until you decide who wins. Inspiration plays a part. Where do we find it? How do we keep it? An empty space waits to be filled and you have to decide that you will try.

The creative process is very similar to living. After deliberations, you ultimately just have to decide that you will live, as best you can, for as long as you can. You embrace the journey and surrender. Remove doubt and fly with the eagles. You never know what you will see when you rise above your self.

world peace begins with inner peace

Do not wait for the external validation of who you are internally. Do not wait for another to love before you allow yourself to love yourself. We are all uniquely placed in this world. We all have joy to claim. There is no need to postpone happiness. Only to embrace it and choose love over fear. Think about it and you will see.

the power of meditation

the mind is a fearful thing.
hemispheres at corpus callosum clash,
between thinking about or around,
and duality like the serpent eats his tail.

but not today. not this night. not this moment.
my heart calls for peace,
this rhythmic love lives beyond,
she does not divide.

so by this moon, in silent reflection, i will sit.
to reclaim stillness,
to follow my heart,
and discover life in every simple breath.

we are all ourselves

a man bikes up a hill.
he struggles. survives.
his joy, visceral and pure,
for a moment strangers shared.

when one cries, the many weep.
when one flourishes, the many rise.
each of us one, all of us none.
together we become, together we exist.
————————————–
Inspired by Christopher McCandless’ quote, “happiness only real when shared…”

with alacrity i welcome the day

Do you ever wake up and feel like something INCREDIBLE is going to happen? I don’t know what it is but something’s dancing in the air:

air fresh with spring rain,
sky blueier against swirly whipped clouds,
flowers prouder with rain drop jewelry,
birds full of alacrity shimmy and sing;
together they welcome a new day of possibilities.

Indeed, SOMEthing dances in the air and hope and faith have won this day!

All this week I’d been focusing on what I didn’t have in my life, or on the complaints of others. I was negative and icky and sad and mad. A good cry can be rewarding. Just as anger can be motivating, or boredom…. and I embrace this past week of suffering for it allowed me to truly value what matters most. I see myself in full light and accept that all is ephemeral and perfect at all times.

I woke up this morning and I had a great feeling. It could be because I finally rested. It could be because I watched a wonderfuly romantic movie last night. It could be that I painted finally for the first time in a long time. Whatever it is - I went outside and felt amazing! The world was so inviting I felt like a Disney princess in that I could probably talk to the animals if I wanted to.

Thinking back on this morning and now on this day I wonder what changed. Circumstances are pricisely the same. So what changed? Was it me? Or am I reacting to something? What is it about this day that has me feeling like a child who woke up on her birthday? If the former, how can I generate such feelings and awareness everyday? If the later, how do I identify the original source of this happiness and seek it out again in the future? But perhaps it’s not meant to linger? Happiness and sorrow like ying and yang must co-exist. Such a realization convinces me to stop typing and to go out into this world and enjoy the ephemeral happiness that is now. For everything is changing around us at all times and we must capture the joy in the moment. The joy of beauty and glee, or the joy in release of crying or frustration.

Today I feel beautiful because I know I am perfectly imperfect.

present occupation: knowing myself

I am committed to a hegelian-like synthesis of self… ’till ellipses are a thing of the past.

I am committed to knowing myself. To study who I am at my core, what my interests are, what kind of person I am outside of a relationship; who I am growing up to be; what my natural tendencies are as opposed to learned behaviors, my mental “shoulds,” and aspects I’ve developed as a result of positive re-enforcement versus those things I just do intrinisically, no rewards required. (I hate to admit that this concern developed after watching Run Away Bride with Julia Roberts – a movie about a woman who molds herself into various partner’s versions of a perfect woman but has no idea who she really is; mask after mask and she is struggling to know herself.)

I can say I’ve been guilty of this. I people-please, and in committed relationships I loose myself completely in the other person. Granted, I’ve been lucky enough to fall in love with those I admire, so I do pick up things I intrinsically enjoy: surfing, philosophy, japanese, rock climbing, zen meditation, drawing…. but as I lay in bed right now I think back to who I was before I began to notice boys. I look back to before I understand ranking systems and what achievement really meant.

I think now about how achievement-driven our society is. “My child is on the honor roll.” “Little Timmy just got into Stanford!” “Susan just started her own non-profit in Ghana!” We are driven to be high-achievers, to be somebody, to be better than others, to stand out from the pack, to be leaders. But don’t you think sometimes that the most extraordinary thing is simply to be still and ordinary? I think so. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on the high achieving end of the sectrum. But at a certain point the day to day activities of my life weren’t enjoyable. I was unhappy. And I had to fail and fail and fail and beat my ego and drag all self-worth through the mud before I came out of a darkness and saw the light of being still and ordinary.

Try this. Check in with yourself. Are you skimming this because in the back of your mind you’ve moved on to your next to-do or are tapping your foot because you unconsciously have an urge to pee? Or do you feel your shoulders, are they tense and raised? Perhaps you aren’t breathing deeply, is it shallow? When you talk to friends do you half listen to them? Do you feel stressed when you’re in line, pressured to hurry hurry hurry? Well my friend, take a step back. If you’re doing any of these things then you aren’t living in the now. You are pre-occupied by yesterday or concerned with tomorrow. The stress is killer. And it robs you of the gift of the present. (Yes there’s an apt quote for this too, but I’m not giving you the satisifaction you Kung Fu Panda watchers you!)

Alright. So getting back to ellipses. Presently, I am working on integrating all the parts of myself in order to understand me better and to help direct my life toward a kind, gentler future. As someone who enjoys writing, I’ve noticed that I often end thoughts with the dangerous elipses. I don’t go deeper. I don’t cop to random influences, I don’t admit when I’m wrong or uncertain about what the heck I’m talking about… I just let it dangle so the reader can assume I was alluding to whatever they’re thinking of as the next logical concept and thereby I am immediately smarter in their eyes because I magically came up with the same conclusions they did. Good for me. Gold star here please!

Aside from writing, too often I leave loose ends. I cut out the cancer – skip the chemo; cut people out – skip the good byes; sit alone, and imagine possible futures with others. On the inside I am at war with myself. A part of me thinks that to know who I truly I am I have to be along, avoid over-interaction, avoid judgement, avoid influence… and most definitely avoid being nervous and awkward and over-thinking every moment. Another part of me, however, craves influence – I crave diversity and new ideas and new people. I’m curious to know if others feel the same way I do. If they don’t, then why? And does that make them right or me right? Or are we both right? Or both wrong? Are there any truths? What is the right way of being? And I’ll admit it here, I want to be the best human I possibly can be. But what does that look like? Who is that? And why am I still trying to be THE BEST at something? Why am I still grabbing? Why am I turning meditation and inner-reflection into a blood sport?

I suppose part of is to understand social relationships. Some people are attractive – physically, socially, inter-personally… they exude an energy that makes you feel better to be near them. I guess I part of me aims to attain that energy. Oddly enough, some would say I AM like that… but I don’t see it… And why does society and others matter so much? “[Well] if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?” If a soul exists in the world but no one is around to experience it  does it really exist? Indeed, how much of our selves are built from our relationships? How much of our self-perception is a result of the perceptions of others? And which comes first? If I see myself as beauitful on the inside out then will others think the same? Or do I need for others to think these things about me so I can feel better? I hope you can see how too much of either is a bad thing.

I guess under all of this is a worry on my mind. If I meditate, and practice yoga, and read and write and paint, and hike and surf… I feel happy. I am independent. I am flourishing. But I never see a single soul. I’m alone. So is that bad? Shouldn’t I be engaging with friends, family and loves? What if I’m only existing among friends, family and loves? If I’m happy because of them isn’t that a co-dependent kind of situation? Reason would say to strive for a balance but I’m beginning to wonder if these two sides of the coin are mutually exclusive. I wonder this because my brother told me recently that, “…relationships rob you of your power.” I’ve been chewing on this hence the length of this post.

Back to the elipses. Lincoln said, “it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” Hence my elipses. I like to leave things open-ended, not committ to an idea for fear of pigeon-holing myself into a category. (Since us humans love to categorize.) But then again, why should I care if I’m thought a fool? By failing and being honest don’t we open ourselves to growth and learning and experiential knowledge? Yogis always stress the importance of being foolish, or dropping the ego in pursuit of knowledge and other associated yogi-like wonderful concepts. Who cares if one person stuffs me into a category? And if that category is that I am a fool. Isn’t it said that only fools fall in love? Well if love were truth would you rather be smart AND unwise? Think about it!! (Althought I am now wondering what the difference is between lonliness and independant… what makes you a lonely spinster or an Aaron Ralston? I suppose it has a lot to do with perception, passion, and knowledge that there’s mroe to life than love and being together…? aaaahh! see? I told you I love my elipses!)

Anywho, I’m committing to acting the fool. I will say yes like Jim Carrey in the movie “Yes Man” and I will open myself up to awkward opportunities and new methods of interacting with others. Before I react I will consider my feelings, thoughts, the feelings and thoughts of others, and engage people in an authentic manner. I’m tired of automatic responses. I’m tired of letting others infere with my meaning. I want to be clear so I can debate and learn and share and grow. I want to STOP with the elipses. Rather than allow others to voice my opinions for me, I want to do the hard work of getting my point across. In discussion, but in writing as well. And if others don’t understand me then I shall learn to clarify… if others don’t agree with me, I will learn to be tolerant, to embrace feedback, to crave a challenge… because what is thought-sharing after all? What’s the point of thinking? Besides basic commands, why do we need to share ideas? I think it’s ultimately to be connected and aspire to share our concsiousness with someone else. So how can I do that when I’m only giving up half of my ideas? How can I become a better me without interacting with others? It’s one and the same.

BY THE WAY – I REALLY APOLOGIZE IF THIS DIDN’T MAKE MUCH SENSE. I NEED TO EDIT IT DESPERATELY BUT I’M GOING TO PUBLISH IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THE EXCITEMENT OF GETTING ADDITIONAL INPUT IS TOO MUCH TO STAND. <3

don’t go chasing waterfalls

slow down. as you climb the mountain take an occasional look toward the top so you know where you’re going… keep your eyes on the path directly in front of you so you don’t trip or lose your way… and, perhaps most importantly, be sure to take in the view you already have.

we all have a waterfall we’re chasing. either it is a real list of goals – things you’re hoping to accomplish before you can rest and relax and enjoy life. or, it’s the idea of one day being happy, of one day being succesful, of one day being beautiful, relaxed and rested. think for a moment. are you committing this error of thought? i didn’t think i was until i found it in the most basic of places.

sitting below the waterfall on this page i sat and meditated. you see in recent meetings i’ve met people who share my hopes for inner peace and who maybe fell into deep with new age goodness, but whose hearts are kind and who have surmounted incredible obstacles and possess an inner glow. they have encouraged me to stick with my personal growth and to embrace what i’m inclined to do.

as such, something told me i need to meditate. yoga was a gateway drug! something also told me that i needed a visual cue, and an anchor. so i bought my first pair of 108 mala beads. i wear them to remind me of my yoga mind and to help me during my day think about peace, calm, gratitude, hope and other adjectives related to that star in our minds eye we can only see from a corner glance.

indeed, i was wearing these beads and finally one day my yoga teacher asked me if i know how to use them. i didn’t really and went home and googled it, falling a little deeper into my new age haze. interestingly i found the use of malas to be beautiful. they work kind of a like a rosary in that you repeat a phrase or mantra once for every bead. in the case of my rudraksha beads, it is advised that you pick one phrase you wish to embody during meditation. you then practice meditation with your mala for 40 consecutive days.

om. shanti. shanti. shanti. om.
peace. peace. peace.

this is my phrase. this is my goal. and so i hiked an hour into the malibu canyons, climbed up rocks and shimmied across a ledge to find this waterfall. i found a peace there that  wanted desperately to hold onto. and so i sat with my mala, repeating 108 times “om shanti shanti shanti om.” personally, i found this meditation to be so helpful. my mind has an anchor and  is less likely to sway into negative thought patterns, worries, or anticipations. i sat and listened to the water crashing. winds would pick up and mist graced my face, the trees swaying allowed sunlight to occasionally warm my back. i heard birds wings flapping. i smelled wet dirt and paid attention to the water flowing behind me against the rocks as it traveled down the mountain. i was working on my relationship to myself while at the same time working on my relationship to nature. submersed in the moment – no past no future – i thought “peace, peace, peace” and in living in that moment found my waterfall.

of course, when i began on bead one i repeated the words quickly. i rushed it. i grabbed for peace. i grabbed for enlightment. i grabbed to stop feeling the way i was feeling – heart broken and like a failure. it wasn’t until i slowed my breathing, checked-in with myself, and opened my senses that i began to settle. this is probably why there are 108 beads. it takes awhile to slow our minds, and mine especially. i began this blog to find myself – to live life passionately and find the job and situation that would provide me with meaning and satisfaction. instead, what i found was a power to be happy while on the journey to all of these things. it’s oddly cyclical. (by the way, i highly recommend reading the way of the peaceful warrior. you can meditate on the words from almost every page and it does a great job of bringing you back into yourself and the moment and helping you find everything you are looking for while you are looking for it. the waterfall is right now.)

today is day three of my meditative practice. day three. i don’t know how else my perception of these musings will change in 37 days from now – if at all – but i already am proud of myself and smiling more often. so, from me to you, consider meditating. consider finding an anchor from deep within.

with gratitude, thank you for your time…. <3

Stop and Breathe, Then Shift Your Focus

Today is just another beautiful day. Full of possibility and promise, I woke up wondering what I would venture out into the world to do. Indeed, I was in a great mood until I wasn’t. Somehow as the day moved forward I was grumpy, anxious, tight, and worrying worrying worrying about the afternoon, tomorrow, next week, 2 months from now, and so on and so on. My breathing was shallow and I did not feel like I was living the happy and fulfilling life that my recent facebook status would lead others to believe. And, and and…. and then just more words kept spilling out of my head.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ….

Why do we do this to ourselves? All the negative thinking that often times we, or at least I know for sure I, am hardly aware of. And simply by acknowledging it I began to ease away from it. I thought to myself, when did this attitude begin? Was it was really as simple as walking past someone with a sour face that I began to notice all the little other sour items that lay before me? We really have so much power to impact our surroundings and I had let one man’s attitude impact mine and allowed mine to suficate the goodness from my day.

Okay, perhaps I’m being a wee bit dire – but what I did was check-in. I checked-in with myself, my body, my feelings, my thinking, and then made an active choice to live right now…. to notice my surroundings, be thankful of my full belly, to breathe in fully and exhale fully, to smile, and to lay to rest all of the doubts and shoulds I was jabbing my psyche with.

That said, I also had an urge to write. I’ve fallen off the wagon with this project I began a year ago today, but as the one-year anniversary of the start of my life approaches I will add some new posts and get on the ball with this whole writing thing…

With love in my heart and good will to anyone reading this – be happy now!! <3

trying too hard

 today i was thinking back to a few years ago – on relationships, jobs, school, family, email conversations, IM conversations, friendships… and similar other type things. I began to contemplate my actions and wonder on what I could have changed about myself to produce better outcomes.

And my answer was: too much. I was trying too hard in all aspects of my life. I strained relationships, friendships, and family bonds… added tension to almost everything I touched… raised stress levels and forgot to breath. I’ve been utterly exhausted this year and I think I just now discovered the simiplest explanation for all of it — I’ve been trying too hard. To be something I’m not. To give a great impression of myself rather than just being myself. I’ve been working hard and not smart. I’ve thrown my energy in negative thinking, meaningless work, worrying, and presentation.

And looking back, now, it seems so pointless. None of that effort got me a raise, or a relationship, or better communication with those that I love. I just worked hard with no results. And when I relaxed – gave up – didn’t care or concern myself with other’s opinions or the past or the future… when I finally just let go… it was then that love and happiness found me. I got my breath back and I got my smile back. My authentic smile.

Today I tell myself constantly: enjoy this moment; breath; relax; release the tension in th muscles. I started bike riding to and from work as a way to slow down my day, my mind, and get into the present moment. To get in the mode of doing and thinking one thing – rather than multi-tasking several in body and mind.

So if you’re reading this, please think abotu whether you can check into your life and devise a way to let go. Remember that every moment is precious. A gift. And possibly even the secret to living — the pure simplicity of this moment. Relaxing in bed, writing, reading, listening to music, preparing a meal, caring for someone else, listening to someone else…. just be in the moment and feel free. And smile. And know that everything will be OK. You don’t need to figure everything out today. Just live and just love.

Limbo Bimbo

two once one,
you thought us three.
i find pointed truth in words,
between knowing and not.

real to me now but as a dream,
you’re burning hot steam,
was it true?
were we ever real?

you exist, i know
with heart cracked open i’m reaching,
vainly, as you turn to mist.
did anything really changed?

come back, stay gone.
hurt heals, love wounds.
yes, no.
real, not.

once in limbo, let go.
no, bimbo me, in waiting, lies,
to self, false promises, “understanding,”
wakes to truth. pours out raw feeling.

limbo bimbo – bend as far as you can,
but know in bending balance goes,
fall in the cracking truth,
and love falls to its origins.

i, she, limbo bimbo now
you, he, heart and matter ___…
… lost, confused, all rhyme broken.

hope sits and hangs;
swings with the mist,
it hangs now,
hoping for a lover’s vow.